On 2020: Leaving St. John, Unemployment and Trusting the Uncertainty

We all endured the shitshow that was 2020. I'm reflecting on my 1 year anniversary of unemployment and leaving my home in St. John- but just now able to put words to it, months later. Here is my brief account of those two items and how it lead me to do something like bike across the country and try my dang hardest to find peace in the now. Yuuuup, what a mess.

It has taken me almost two months to accurately express my feelings on "paper". This post sitting as a draft, just waiting to be shared. I'm thinking about all of the things I want to share in this post, and I believe the first thing I feel the need to say is this: my heart is pouring out with gratitude. For my health, for my relationships, for the life that I live. I struggle and experience hardships just the same as all of us, and I know that that what I feel is real and I am allowed to embrace that fully. However, there has not been a single day since March 30, 2020 that has gone by, where I have not reflected on what is happening in the world around me. Death, pain, suffering, racial injustice, a nation torn to pieces, mass murders, the list goes on. I am someone who consciously chooses, every day, to focus my energy on the good. The positives. The beauty that I know to be true; the sunshine on my skin, the conversation on the phone with my mom, the elderly couple holding hands down the street, witnessing a woman pay for a stranger's groceries, my waiter who spoke so kindly to me it took me by surprise. It doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to the hate and discrimination, oh no, not at all. It is a way of thinking though. It is a mindset. It is actively attempting to keep peace within so that we are able to outwardly express the things that this world needs more of; patience, kindness, grace, generosity, empathy, LOVE! The things I struggle with are real but there does need to be recognition that what I face daily does not even come close to the hardships that my neighbors, my friends, my brothers and sisters may experience because of the color of their skin, or having a family of five to feed instead of my one, or they have a dear friend who lost their life during 2020 and now they must push on. I try to do my absolute best to be a part of the solution that we so desperately need. I hope that by sharing my sometimes jumbled, always good intended words, you feel encouraged to look at your own life and see if you can invite more love, more patience, more empathy in. In whatever way that may be. We are all growing. I don't have all the answers and I don't know all of the information, but damn if I'm not trying to. If you're reading this, my heart goes out to you for all of the ways that 2020 affected you and continues to affect you.

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I think about my time living on St. John every. single. day. I can't believe that it has been as long as it has since we left. We really weren't ready to leave.

On March 21, 2020 my boyfriend, Arden, and I made the decision to leave our beautiful, island home. We believed it was in our best interest to "ride out" the, very new and worrisome, Coronavirus, back stateside and with our families. Leaving St. John was so abrupt, and while there was no way to know it then, leaving the way we did felt disrespectful to an extraordinary place that had been so wonderful to us. We had to move quickly because at the time, borders were closing, flights were being canceled, and chaos was intensifying by the hour. In just one week we went from working six out of the seven days to being laid off from our jobs. We made the quick decision to leave the island (thinking that we would be back soon!) and within three days of that, we were back in the 40 degree and wet weather that is North Carolina in March. Having our own (little) island space, hiking to crystal clear water, grinding through days of work but then taking getaways to neighboring islands, had been replaced. We found ourselves bouncing between my family's home and Arden's, trying to stay busy with anything, and trying our hardest to not get overwhelmed by the amount of choices you have in a grocery store- it's a lot of choices, by the way.

When I look back on it, choosing to do something as insane as a bicycle trip across the country (or a wild adventure like the bicycle trip) was inevitable for Arden and I. It really was. A sense of purpose is a such a powerful feeling. It's our propelling force. And ultimately, it is our reason for getting out of bed each morning, continuing to push on through challenges, and opening ourselves up to the universe. I believe that we can find our purpose in a lot of ways- and in a lot of ways that people wouldn't think. When you are stripped of your every day routine, your norm, and the world flips upside down, what remains? You may have reflected on this with your own experiences from 2020 already, but what is your constant when the storm gets rough? What is that burning flame deep in your soul that can't be put out? Completing the 3,576 mile long adventure across the country would soon become my purpose. Temporary, yes, but indeed a driving force that would lead me to through an unbelievable journey of growth, exploration, curiosity, kindness, joy and freedom. And I truly believe that those are some of the most beautiful things we can take away from this life.

Let's talk unemployment for a minute. I touched on this at the beginning of this post, but I one hundred percent recognize how fortunate my position was even with a job loss. Receiving Unemployment Insurance from the Virgin Islands was a blessing. And although it wasn't much, it was something and without it, things could have been a lot worse. Being unemployed for over an entire year was eye-opening to say the least. I have never been someone to love buying things but when every purchase you make is tapping into your savings that you worked really hard for, you're not really buying much of anything. Being unemployed during COVID sort of felt like something "everyone was doing" because well, 14.7% of the entire United States population was experiencing it. I hope that I am never without a job for as long as I was because even without children, a pet, a mortgage, loans to pay off, and even a car for the majority of it, unemployment was unbelievably stressful and very uncertain. And as I've said numerous times, my heart pours out for the people who 2020 completely devastated and continues to affect to this day.

Our mind is such a powerful tool. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves (and really the entire world) is find a way to turn difficult situations into something, anything, positive. To take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves, and choose to look at challenges from a different perspective. And maybe ask ourselves, "is there an opportunity for growth here, even if it is through failure". It's been one hell of a year, year and a half. Life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye. I think that's something to hold close to our hearts. Choose today. Choose the now. Spread love and joy and kindness and maybe even some hugs now (bless up!), every damn time. I truly hope that you have allowed yourself the space to acknowledge your struggles, your accomplishments, your pain and your desires. Sit with all of them and maybe we can bring some light to the darkness.

*deeeeeeeep exhale* Let it become the past. Sheeeesh that feels so good to release. I love you!